


Sudden Sense of Liberty

by Thepresidentofrussia23



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Cancer, Cancer Arc, Character Death, Character Study, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Illness, Mental Anguish, Mentions of Cancer, No Happy Ending Fest, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:29:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27728143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thepresidentofrussia23/pseuds/Thepresidentofrussia23
Summary: This is Barba's side to "You Promised, you lied". He never wanted to come back to NYC, it all changed with a letter and now he's not sure why he ever left. He is only trapped with the thousands of regrets as he never told Sonny "I love you" before Sonny got married to Tucker and became Dominick Tucker and died. And now Barba can only remember Sonny as he tries to move on.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Ed Tucker, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Kudos: 3





	Sudden Sense of Liberty

When Barba first pulled the letter out of the mailbox and ripped open the envelope, he assumed it was a prank, it was Sonny being a jackass and scaring the hell out of him and being Sonny as usual with the letter, but the letter itself contained a hint of depression and the paper was stained with a few tear droplets onto it. He assumed that Sonny had spilled some water on the paper itself, he didn't realize those were Ed Tucker's tears as he wrote the letter for Sonny as the younger man lay dying of cancer, dictating what Ed should write. What Barba didn't know at that moment that as he was reading the letter, Sonny already lay six feet under the grave.

He ran to his house, grabbing his clothes and his things and some stuff and purchasing the next overnight ticket that he could find and then he went on the flight, leaving Iowa and then arriving in New York City. The memory of being in John F. Kennedy airport many months ago hit him hard as he looked around and dragged his carry on luggage. He went to the main part of the terminal when he saw a tearful Amanda and she just wrapped him up in a tight hug and cried and cried in his shoulder. She was crying her heart out and she was noticeably dressed in all black and white, she was not wearing makeup and her hair was tied up in a couple of pigtails and Barba gazed at Fin, who looked sadder, older and his wrinkles seemed a little more deeper, as if he had aged ten years instead of ten months. Amanda told him 

"Sonny is gone, he really is gone...he...he really loved you so much Barba. He really, truly did..."

Barba was stunned by the statement, he then was taken to the cemetery and that was when he fell onto his knees when he saw Sonny's headstone. He cried harder when he ran his fingers through the day Sonny was born and the day he died. It suddenly hit him then that he was three days too late to see Sonny alive. He was too late to hold Sonny's hand, hold him close and comfort him, he hoped that this was a terrible nightmare that he would wake up from and that this would all fade away like a terrible memory and he would dial Sonny's number immediately and apologize. But it was too late, too late for everything, too late for apologies, for confessions for phone calls, for conversations, for anything. Barba's emerald green eyes filled with tears as he sobbed as he ran his fingers over Sonny's name, he distinctly noted that Sonny had taken on Ed's last name as his married name. He teared up as he lay Sonny's favorite orange roses on his grave, he didn't understand how he was here and not Sonny. Sonny was supposed to outlive all of them old codgers, and yet he was now resting, sleeping peacefully for all of eternity from the pain he had endured. 

Barba went to the house that Sonny and Ed lived in and it looked beautiful, but it was not Sonny, it spoke of Tucker's tastes more than anything, he saw photo frames of Tucker's parents and his twin brother Dr. Jason Meemark and his grandparents and so many old timey pictures also hung on the wall as well. Barba did a quick scan of the room and saw newspaper clippings hanging up as well and he could see flowers and more flowers that had recently been brought in from the funeral and from mourners as well as well wishers. Ed looked like a complete wreck overall and cried frequently, he wore a necklace with a little tube of Sonny's ashes and Barba felt the pain of Ed, hurting him too. Barba imagined if he had been here and married Sonny, would he have been mourning and grieving Sonny like Ed was? Would he be weeping incessantly? Would he be the one who would be trying to move on? He was not sure, Ed then brought over a box of Sonny's belongings and took a deep breath.

"So, since Sonny had to get his affairs in order last minute, I'll be the executor of his estate, he asked me to give you this box. It has some stuff in it, I have no idea, he asked me repeatedly to not open it. For all I know...it could be cash...or nothing of any worth. He wrote in his will that you can keep it."

Barba opened the box and pulled out the mug, it was the same mug he handed to Sonny and his heart crashed into pieces, right there on the coffee table as his tears flowed. He found some lawbooks that he had loaned to Sonny before the bar exam that Sonny had forgotten to hand back and some ties. He even found a bundle of envelopes all addressed to him and stamped to his office at One Hogan Place, but none of them had ever been sent. He found some of the shirts that Sonny had borrowed from him and he found a little box wrapped in a ribbon and when he opened it, it was a gold retirement watch that all NYPD officers are handed upon retirement and he chose to hand it to Barba. He loved Barba so much that he handed his gold watch to someone who he thought would never love him back in the end and Barba. Barba looked up and Ed looked watery through his tearful vision.


End file.
